Actress, singer and I'm A Celebrity star Toyah imagines ET battling Ken Livingstone in a fictitious movie about her life.

TITLE: Oddball

POSTER TAGLINE: Don't bat an oddball.

GENRE: Film noir.

RATING: X certificate - it is exceptionally violent.

WHAT'S THE STORY? It's about an oddball who never fits in. She goes on a journey to find out why she is never accepted for who she is. It's about hidden prejudices, bullying and why people judge others because they are overweight or have a speech impediment.

HOW TRUE TO LIFE IS IT? I experience it all the time. I'm judged because I have a lisp, because I'm short and now because I'm middle aged.

WHO WOULD PLAY YOU? ET, because he never fits in and he is the perfect oddball.

WHO WOULD PLAY YOUR LOVE INTEREST? Keanu Reeves. He would be handcuffed to the telephone in a phone box. ET wants to call the whole time and he meets Keanu there.

WHO PLAYS THE BADDY? Ken Livingstone (left) is the baddy as he has single- handedly stopped tourism into London. I work in the West End and I have never seen it so badly affected by his policies. I think it's shameful.

WHAT'S THE BIG SCENE? All elitist snobs from the worlds of politics and media are put on a bonfire and burned with ET laughing and phoning home with Keanu.

HAS IT GOT A HAPPY ENDING? Yes. Snobbery is dead and ET marries Keanu Reeves and has ton of babies.

Toyah Willcox is currently starring in Calamity Jane at the Shaftesbury Theatre, London.

The Mirror, July 2003